Game of Thrones: The Queen’s Justice Review

First things first: let’s pour one out for the baddest-ass old dame in Westeros.

After a disastrous start to Daenerys’  play for power in last week’s Game of Thrones, The Queen’s Justice saw her weather a series of fresh setbacks, as Cersei dealt swiftly and lethally with Dany’s allies — including, alas, everyone’s favourite cool grandma from House Tyrell. Here’s everything that went down in this weeks episode.

Game of Thrones
We found out what became of the Greyjoys and Dornish. Theon was rescued, and after capturing a trio of prisoners in his raid on Dany’s ships last week, Euron Greyjoy  lost no time bringing Yara, Ellaria Sand and Tyene back for a shame parade through the streets of King’s Landing. Euron kept his niece as a captive (for purposes currently unknown but almost definitely terrible), but deposited the Dornish women at Cersei’s feet: the promised engagement present for a wedding that Cersei promised will occur when the war is won. In the meantime, the queen wasted no time getting justice for her murdered daughter by giving Tyene a poisoned kiss, leaving her to die in front of her own mother. She also wasted no time removing Jaime’s pants for a little incestual victory sex, because yep, they’re still doing that. Except Cersei has now decided she no longer cares who see’s them together, since she’s the queen, after all.

In a season that’s been quite bleak so far, especially for Team Dany, here’s some good news: after a very disgusting experimental treatment that involved Sam  peeling off basically all of his skin, Jorah Mormont turned up this week badly scarred but entirely cured. Hooray! That leaves Jorah en route to reunite with his beloved Khaleesi, while Sam continues to be woefully unappreciated by anyone except the flesh-eating paper mites who are his only companions at Maester college.

Also good news: A knock at the gates of Winterfell revealed Bran (who now looks about 25 and acts about 55), reunited at last with older sister Sansa. Bran immediately made things weird by telling Sansa he’d taken a psychic peek at her wedding to Ramsay Bolton ; clearly, he needs Arya to show up so that they can compare their supernatural skills sets and leave Sansa to run Winterfell.
Meanwhile, Jon Snow and Davos Seaworth arrived at Dragonstone to a not so warm welcome. Does anyone else think that that was the quickest trip ever? Anyway after Missandei recited an entire monologue of titles while all Davos could do was mumble, “This is Jon Snow…he’s king in the north,”  Daenerys demanded some knee-bending which Jon, stubborn as ever, refused. “You’ll be ruling over a graveyard if we don’t defeat the Night King,” he said — a threat that Daenerys, also stubborn, assumed he was just making up. (Really, these two should be able to figure out they’re related from the quality of their bickering alone.) But when news arrived that the Sands and Greyjoys were captured, Daenerys made a concession that Tyrion wisely pointed out meant a lot to Jon but nothing to her: allowing the Northerners to mine and forge weapons from the dragonglass stores beneath her castle. And as far as alliances go, Dany had better hang on to that one, because …

Game of Thrones

The Unsullied invasion of Casterly Rock was supposed to be a piece of cake, thanks to Tyrion’s unique knowledge of his ancestral home’s sewer system. But when the Unsullied broke in, they found the place virtually empty — because the Lannister army was already off at Highgarden, murdering everybody! The coup was swift and bloody, leaving only Olenna Tyrell  to have a last chat with Jaime about just what a dupe he is for his crazy sister: “She’s a monster, you do know that,” said the old woman, right before she swallowed a glass of poisoned wine. But before she died, she had one last move of her own to make in this game of thrones: confessing to Joffrey’s murder at the Purple Wedding. You know, the one Cersei convinced everyone, including Jaime, that Tyrion and Sansa pulled off? Yeah. Cersei, you have some explaining to do.

Next week…